the joke thread

[ccfc1987]

if you like your jokes then feel free to shre them with other users

[Gregsy!!]

Whats the difference between an in-law and an outlaw??

Outlaws are wanted!!!

[suzoooooo]

3 nuns in a convent and a ghost appears waves his cock and says hocus pocus.. the nun says never mind the hocus just fucking pocus

[Bunnykins]

***************
UNUSUAL FUNERAL

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in a single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog,

"I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line.

Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "that first coffin is for my wife.

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin? "

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement,

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue"

[Bunnykins]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

[Bunnykins]

An
old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrances that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

[suzoooooo]

Royal mail have just issued a new stamp with a picture of a clitoris on it.Sadly its had to be withdrawn as 75% of men dont know how to lick it properly

[Lady X]

haha love that one suzoooo

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear pants, don't you?

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

[Bunnykins]

It was said that a Apple a day Kept the Doctor away. Since most Doctors are now Muslim I've found bacon works better instead.

[Bunnykins]

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

************************

An Irish man Goe's to Bed with a Jewish woman, Afterwards he says.....

''You not very Tight for a Jew are you''

She Replie's

''And you're not very Thick for a Paddy''

[adam]

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

[adam]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."